I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. Some people just prefer coffee I guess. But I have noticed a bit of a trend. A lot of people seem to like tea. My tea. I get told a lot about how I’m this and that, how people like me and how I make them happy… and I like that. It feels good to be appreciated, to be valued for what I bring to the table. But somehow, I can’t manage to find my cup of tea.
Don’t get me wrong, I have some awesome people in my life which is more than most can say and I am grateful for that. But something is definitely missing, and it’s been missing for a while. And I’m not talking about this godforsaken disability. This is bigger than that, although my condition has made living with this void a much tougher task. And I’m not even trying to be cryptic or anything. I’ve seen people who have filled that void, they’re all around me. I genuinely don’t know what it is I need. I have some guesses but I might be wrong about them all. Afterall, those people around me who have this joy I seek get it from different places. For some it’s a job, others it’s a house, or a car, a partner, a friend, a place they go, a hobby, a memory or even a pet. Some of these I have, some I want, but which do I need? Well if I knew that, you’d be reading something else right now. That’s the million dollar answer. The question I know, but the answer evades me.
“What will truly make me happy?”
Trying to answer this drives me mad. If someone else came to me with this same question, I’d almost always know what to say. I’d know how to help them figure it out. For crying out loud that’s what I was doing literally just before writing this. It’s the main reason most people tell me the kind of things that make me their cup of tea. I’ve gotten pretty good at that over the years. Helping people figure out their shit. But it doesn’t work when I look in the mirror. A blank face stares right back at me. My tea just doesn’t taste the same when I drink it. And I have indeed tried dealing with this rubbish. I’m trying right now. And I’ll keep trying for as long as I draw breath. But nothing seems to work. I’m all alone in a room full of people staring at me. They only see the problems I’ve conquered. No one sees the problem that truly hurts. So I look like a man conquering every problem before me. But that’s not what I see in the mirror. I see a blank faced boy with a hole in his chest.
You know what? Maybe I’m looking at this all wrong. Maybe I’m focusing so much on the negatives that I’m missing all the positives under my nose. Maybe focusing so much on what I don’t have is making me think I don’t have anything at all. Maybe I’ve been so negative all this time and opposites don’t always attract after all. Maybe I need to put this much effort into enjoying what I have and I’ll have more. Maybe if I appreciate what I’ve been given a bit more I’ll be given more to appreciate. I think I’m going to show love to all the voids I’ve already filled so I might learn to fill the void that’s still empty. After all, I didn’t conquer all those other problems everyone keeps seeing as my victories by feeling sorry for myself. Why should this be any different? I have a good feeling about this. Watch this space.
It’s been many months since I tried changing my outlook on my problems. Things have been a bit better but not in the way I wanted. I have found so much more to be joyful about and the void is much smaller but it’s still a void. Everyone says I’ve perked up so much, again they only see the problems I’ve conquered but not the one problem that truly hurts. I’m now walking on a busy street but it feels deserted. Everyone sees a man who faced his problems and came out on top. But that’s not who I see in the shop window beside me. I still see… Wait, hold on a minute, I heard something loud further down the road. I look ahead, it looks right back at me. I think I know what it is… but could it be?… I’ve been searching for so long and it seems I’ve finally found h…
A week ago I wasn’t sure if I’d fill my void. I had even changed my outlook on life and it seemed that wasn’t going to work…, or so I thought. But I found it, or rather it found me. Purely by accident I found the perfect solution to the void I’d struggled with so long. It shone bright and did not speak. But I knew it found me because I surrounded myself with positivity. It was also looking for something positive to call home. Who knew? I just had to stay positive and hopeful. Who knew? I’m now sat at the dinner table with friends and family. They look at me and see all I have achieved. They can see I finally got their message and focused on the problems I’d conquered, not just the ones I hadn’t… like they’d been doing all along. This morning I looked in the mirror and do you know who looked back? A boy with a smile on his face and no hole in his chest.