It Has Been 15 Years: This Is What I’ve Learned

This Friday will mark 15 years since the day my life changed forever. It’s been a while since I wrote specifically for the anniversary of the accident, and this year would have been no different. However, I was filling out a form a couple of weeks ago and had to specify what major surgeries I’ve had in the past. So, I decided to look up the exact name of the procedure I had straight after the injury instead of just writing down “spinal surgery” like I usually would. It’s amazing how time can make you forget little details, as I did with many things after the accident. But oddly, I remember the accident itself quite vividly.

So, for context, and for those who don’t already know the details: The accident.

April 18th, 2010. I was sat in the middle of the back seat of an old Renault Clio going north on the A19. I was with 4 friends, all of us headed to a basketball game, intending to pop into a retail Park to maybe buy some new basketball gear beforehand. Unfortunately, we wouldn’t make it to either as at some point on the journey, the driver lost control of the wheel while in the fast lane (so travelling at least 70mph), the car went spinning towards our exit, hit the curb and got tossed in the air. It then landed on the grass beside the road, rolling back down to the road and finally coming to a stop just over the curb. As the carnage settled, the damage was done. The rear left side of the car had been crushed so low that the grass was all I could see out the window. But my primary focus was on my friend who was sitting beside me, now barely conscious and lying against the door with his head leaning out through the now shattered window. I was convinced I was also partially laid on him, so just wanted to get up and help, but I slowly realised I had other things to worry about. Thankfully, no one died, no other cars were involved, and 3 out of the 5 of us managed to walk out of the car. One of those 3, my uncle, suffered lacerations to the back of his neck, which could have been much worse, but thankfully, he made a full recovery after a few months. The friend who I was most concerned about suffered spinal fractures, among other injuries, and as far as I know, still has back issues till today. For me, well you have some idea. A spinal cord injury and quadriplegia (paralysis affecting all 4 limbs) and the full gauntlet of complications that come with that, many of which I’ve written about on this blog.

Now for the stuff I didn’t remember as well as I thought and had to look up.

Because of the legal proceedings surrounding the accident, I have a stack of very detailed reports describing aspects of my life post-injury, all intended to be used in court. None of it is anything I haven’t seen before. Still, it sure does hit a little differently reading a sterile, detached account of your experiences after they have been blurred and blended by time, emotions and the imperfection of human memory.

• For starters, the timelines. Some phases of my early days post-injury lasted longer or shorter than I remembered. For some reason, I always thought I went into surgery a couple of days after the accident, which, in hindsight, makes absolutely no sense considering the severity of my injuries. Thankfully, I was wrong; I was operated on the same day, probably even immediately after I arrived at the hospital.
• I thought I’d spent 4 weeks in Intensive Care, but turns out it was just under 18 days.
• I thought I spent 4 weeks in the High Dependency unit. I spent 2 months in there. That was almost the entire time I had to breathe through a tube as well, so that was another experience that lasted longer than I thought.
• I struggled a lot more with my breathing than I remembered, which makes sense when I think of the amount of support I kept receiving for my chest health years after I didn’t think I needed it anymore.
• I always knew I had suffered from recurring UTIs while in hospital and for the first 2 years after, but goodness me, they happened far more frequently than I remember. It seems I was constantly on antibiotics throughout that timeframe.
• And I definitely don’t remember opening up to any health professionals about my feelings and mental health at the time. Yet, there it is, in black-and-white, notes on my embarrassment over being seen in public in a wheelchair and signs of depression from needing assistance with everyday tasks.

And all that is just from the section on my time in hospital. There’s much more detail on my needs after discharge, my personal and social life, the accessibility requirements for my home and even my hopes and aspirations for the future. Over the years, I had forgotten why I always felt those legal proceedings were very intrusive. I definitely remember now. And you bet I will be digging into those records further and unpacking the almost certainly unresolved impact on my mental health from that period.

But today, that’s not why I’m choosing to share this in-depth look back at probably the most impactful single event of my life. No. Today, I’m writing about the things I went through on and after that day so I can reflect on how far I have come and how much I have to be grateful for.

• I used to have lateral supports on my wheelchair. They were these retractable flaps on either side of the chair that sat right against my rib cage. They held me upright while sitting, and without them, I would eventually flop sideways and end up leaning over the side of my chair. A couple years post-injury and they had begun to irritate me a little, constantly digging into my sides. So, I left them in their retracted position, folded outwards behind my arms, looking like tiny little wings. Soon enough, I went through a doorway at a slightly off angle and completely snapped one of them off its hinges. I was so unfazed I used the chair in that state, one lateral support, awkwardly folded out to the side with nothing on the other side, until I replaced the chair a few years later. It didn’t even immediately dawn on me that I no longer needed them for support. They had started irritating me because, after a couple of years of active physiotherapy, we (my physiotherapist and I) had successfully strengthened the muscles in my torso and regained enough upper body balance to make the supports obsolete. A milestone I am immensely proud to have reached but is among a long list of little improvements since the accident that I, at some points, didn’t believe would be possible, yet ironically didn’t acknowledge enough once they were reached.
• I have a device called a breath stacker that I needed to use at least once daily to strengthen my lungs and maintain/improve my breathing. I don’t think I’ve used it two days in a row in at least six years. Now, I’m not advocating for ignoring medical advice. But, I was lucky enough to go from once needing a tube in my neck to breathe to being told by medical professionals that my breathing was above average for my condition after 3 years. Now, the breath stacker only comes out if I contract a chest infection… which hardly happens any more (touch wood).
• I was doing some spring cleaning the other day and found this jumper I used to absolutely love and could not believe how large it was. Easily 2 sizes too big, and I used to be convinced it was one of my nicer pieces of clothing. Maybe I’ve just lost some weight over the years, but I know I was comfortable in that jumper because of how much it hid my body. Today, I’m looking forward to the summer heat so I can proudly show off my ever-growing collection of T-shirts, summer shirts and shorts. I’d gone from being embarrassed to be seen in public to actively seeking days out. In fact, I get a kick out of putting my outfits together when I have a public speaking event, as it’s one of the most impactful ways I get to show people that being disabled doesn’t stop you from being normal.

I could go on and on about all the ways my journey since April 18th, 2010, has only gotten better, more enjoyable and filled with reasons for my gratitude, but that would end up being a whole book essentially bragging about my disability. So, I’ll end on this. Even though I’ve always felt that no matter how good things get, I will always prefer to have never gotten into that car (I still feel that way and probably always will). But I can no longer deny that, in some ways, I now have more reasons to value my life since the accident almost as much as I value the life I had before…. almost.

April 18^th is no longer a day of mourning what I had lost. Now, it is a day I will celebrate what I have found. And there is a lot to celebrate.

Till next time, stay blessed.